Fourteen years ago, I stopped using drugs. Narcotics Anonymous helped me take an honest look at what was going on in my life and gave me support for change. The reality I see is constantly changing. This is because my honesty is evolving. I see more and more clearly the manifestations of my dependent thinking and my flaws in my character. Without the help of friends in the Community, I didn’t notice the obvious, I was blind. The initial stage of my honesty is when I realize that I do not see what is happening to me. Despite the information about drug addiction that was somehow spinning around, I did not understand what was happening to me
Everyone said that drugs are bad, but I did not understand that I was doing something wrong. My honesty was not even enough to see that by using, I was crossing a certain line, that I had a problem. When I just stopped using, I did not see the problem in myself, I looked for the causes of all troubles outside. I was under the illusion that if I got my social life right and lived with a pretty girl, I would be fine. I was not immediately ready to see my mental and spiritual characteristics, which were the reason for the use of drugs. I read about addiction and did not understand what I read. When I deceive myself, I come to suffering.
I was tormented by using drugs. I began to suffer again, living in a sober state, when I wanted to control everything around. And this pain told me that there was a problem: something was wrong in my thinking, in my perception of reality. My feature of an addict is that, hearing my conscience, feeling uncomfortable, I do not look for a way to solve the problem, but begin to deny it. I lie to myself and keep going the same way. It often happens that without help, without a look from the outside, I cannot recognize what is really happening to me. I was injected and told myself that everything would work out, just a difficult period of life, everything would go away by itself.
Living without drugs, I somehow began to smoke a lot: there were three cigarettes in a row. And it was hard for me to admit that something was wrong with me. It took me a while to admit that I had some kind of problem with feelings, with an attitude towards life. The second stage of honesty is when I see reality but deny it. And the third stage is when I see a problem, I don’t deny it, but I don’t do anything about it. This was the case with drugs, when I used and already saw that my life was ruined, admitted that I myself could not cope with it, but did nothing. In a fit of anger, I killed two pets that I loved very much, fed them from a baby bottle , took them to the vet …
I was desperate, but I didn’t do anything with my life, I didn’t make an effort to change. You can understand everything, but without the willingness to ask for help and make an effort, nothing will change. The next stage in the evolution of my honesty is when I not only see and acknowledge the problem, but also am willing to do something about it. If there is a problem that I cannot cope with, it is important for me to ask for help. But even with the support of other people, I did not immediately manage to live in a new way, to act in a new way, to really change. And yet, if I try and continue to ask for help, slowly my life begins to change. At first, I do something different from the one before, then it starts to happen more often.
If I pretend that everything is fine, when my soul is filled with anger at God, at my parents – at everything that is most sacred, then I must honestly admit that I hate everything. I don’t have to be afraid to seem like some kind of immoral person. It is important for me to see everything that is happening to me, from the point of view of my conscience, to get in touch with the spiritual that guides me, no matter how I understand it. At Narcotics Anonymous, I can be honest. Here are the same as me, addicts, they are able to understand me, I do not need to seem good.
In Narcotics Anonymous we seek our morality, not within the framework of any particular religion, but honestly with ourselves, with our conscience. The path to its solution begins with the recognition of the problem, this is the only way to help me. When I admit a problem, do not deny it, ask for help and try hard to solve it, I have a chance to really change, get rid of what is destroying me. This was important at the beginning of a drug-free life, and it remains relevant 14 years later. I am grateful to Narcotics Anonymous for the evolution of my honesty, for the profound changes that are happening to me.
